Some families find it difficult to talk about cancer or share their feelings. It may seem best to pretend that everything is fine and carry on as normal. Perhaps you don’t want to worry the person with cancer, or you feel you are letting him or her down if you admit to being afraid. Being “in denial” can seem easier than confronting the disease. Unfortunately, denying strong emotions like this can make it even harder to talk and can lead to the patient feeling very isolated. Many patients discover that facing their disease—as painful as the process may be—helps them feel more in control and more prepared for whatever the future may hold.

Partners, relatives, and friends can help by listening carefully to what and how much the person with cancer wants to say. Don’t rush into talking about the illness. Often it is enough just to listen and let the person with cancer talk when he or she is ready.

One of the most common problems in trying to help a person with cancer is that friends, caregivers, and relatives simply don’t know how to start providing support. They want to help, but don’t know what to do first. Here’s a logical plan that you can follow, one that will help you decide where your support is most useful. This plan has been developed based on information from the American Cancer Society (ACS) and National Cancer Institute (NCI). [1,2] We invite you to visit the ACS or NCI Web sites for more information.

Make your offer

You must first find out whether or not your help is wanted. If it is, make your offer. Your initial offer should be specific (not just “let me know if there’s anything I can do”), and you should say clearly that you’ll check back to see if there are things you can help with. Do not be upset if your friend or family member does not seem to want your support, and don’t take it personally. After you have made your initial offer, do not wait to be called, but check back with a few preliminary suggestions.

Become informed

If you are to be useful to your friend, you will need some information about what the medical situation is, but only enough to make sensible plans. You do not need to—and should not—become a world expert on cancer. Some people make suggestions to the patient about things he or she should do, or treatments to try. This well-meaning advice can often pressure the patient and cause stress, so it’s best to offer advice only if the person asks for it.

Assess the needs

This means assessing the needs of the person who is ill, and of the rest of the family: Are there children who need to be taken to and from school? Is the partner healthy, or are there things he or she needs? Check your list by going through a “day in the life” of your friend, thinking about what he or she will need at each stage.

Decide what you can and want to do

What are you good at? Can you cook for your friend? Delivering precooked frozen meals may be welcomed. Can you prepare meals for other family members? Could you take the children out for the day to give the couple some time together? If you aren’t good at any of these things, would you be prepared to pay for, say, a cleaner for a half-day a week to help out? Could you get relevant booklets for your friend? Can you find videos that he or she will like? Will there be flowers at home when your friend gets out of the hospital?

Avoid excesses

Don’t give huge gifts that overwhelm and embarrass. Most large gifts spring from a sense of guilt on the part of the giver, and create guilt in the recipient. Similarly, your offers of help need to be modest and suited to the patient and family.

Listen

Your time is a present you can always give, so try to spend regular time with your friend. It’s better to try to spend 10 or 15 minutes once a day or every 2 days, if you can, rather than 2 hours once a month.

Offer to accompany your friend or family member to the clinic

People with cancer are often encouraged to take someone with them when they see the doctor for the first time, for treatment, or for follow-up visits. If your friend wants you to be there, you could offer to help him or her prepare for the appointment. During the appointment, don’t try to speak on behalf of your friend, unless he or she asks you to. Listen very carefully to the cancer information shared and the answers the doctor gives to your friend's questions. It can also be helpful to take notes. Afterwards you can help by reminding your friend of the information and the answers the doctor gave, as you are likely to remember things your friend has forgotten.

It’s very frightening when your friend or family member has been told he or she has cancer. But remember that facts reduce fears. You can help your friend get the facts in perspective. By listening to what he or she is most concerned about and by learning as much as possible about the disease, you can be a vital part of your friend’s support system—and that is one of the most important things that one human being can do for another.

Help your friend maintain a sense of normalcy

Sometimes, talking about cancer can be the sole topic of conversation within a family. While that communication is important, you can also help your loved one maintain a sense of normalcy. Follow familiar routines. Get on with his or her old activities. Talk about the things you talked about before cancer. These simple gestures will help your loved one return to as normal a life as the cancer will allow.

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